i remember as i walked in the hallways, from lectures to tutorials, from canteens to libraries.
i remember the feeling on the first day, with my best friends, walking up the steps to the library.
i remember that freedom.
i want that freedom back into my life.

i'm only 22.
i can't say that i've been through alot.
yet it feels like alot.


live with today.
that's the only choice i have now.

maybe... i can find it.

I've always been searching for something.
That thing, i couldnt put a name to it.

Sometimes, i catch myself spacing out.
Sometimes, i stare at the sky and just stares.
Sometimes, i look at people until they are out of sight.

I've always wanted to attach a certain significance to my life.
A meaningful significance.
Perhaps a job that brings satisfaction.
Perhaps an involvement that makes a difference.
Perhaps a love that is impossible to forget.
I wanted something big.
Something that i can look forward to, every single day, every single moment.
Something that makes me proud of myself.

i walked through the same path as most people.
went through primary and secondary education.
found part-time jobs.
entered university.

but i found nothing that attracts me.
nothing that i went through, particularly attracted me.
people whom i passed by, experiences i have gone through, we dont seem to click.
i started wondering if i'm weird.
if i ever belonged.

so i told myself.
i'm in Year 4, i need a direction.
what am i doing now?

preparing for presentations.
looking at maps and trying to understand them.
solving equations that i do not comprehend.
doing lab work that i have no interest in.
rushing for time.
pushing for grades.

pushing for an outcome that i cannot seem to picture in my mind.
struggling to enhance my ability to match the requirements.
trying to prove to whoever, that i can do it.

what is this?




when i close my eyes, i can think of all kinds of possibilities.
but when i open them, i see nothing.

what is 'enough'?
what is 'satisfaction'?
what is 'dream'?

they say, people who live without a direction are senseless.
they are wasting their lives away.

but i just, couldnt find it.
maybe, i hadnt searched hard enough.

maybe, someday, i can find it.
that something that brings meaning to my life.

family, friends, they are the support.
that something, is the motivation.

just like a structure to be built.
without support it will fail.
without a finished structural design, it cannot complete.

my life will not fail, because i have my loved ones with me.
but perhaps, it will not be complete.